I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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