I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
