Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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