Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
