I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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