Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize