And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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