When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
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