Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
