He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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