she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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