Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
