I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He passed out mid-signature
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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