I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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