I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
