i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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