I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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