What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
