My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize