please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
