So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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