I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
