We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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