you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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