see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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