there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
