You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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