just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
3 2 1 whiskey
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
