i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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