im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So much Jack, so little girl.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
