He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
