i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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