Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
