I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
