Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
