very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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