I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
