I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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