I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
