What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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