This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
