Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
