speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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