a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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