I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
