At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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