i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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