you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
