I am puke
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
