i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
