Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
