Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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