I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
