Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
