I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
