im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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