you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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