My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize