I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
