ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
