This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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