I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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