3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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