My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
