As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
