Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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