I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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