What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
