Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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