i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
