I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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