please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If I die, sorry about rent.
All I want is dick and wine.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
