I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
