I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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