your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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