guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
