hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think I died a long time ago.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
