Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
