I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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