I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
