Got a toothbrush?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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