Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
